Where do babies come from?

I have officially solved why there are so many teenage and unprepared mothers out there – and it isn’t their fault. It is their parents!

You see, the issue is that while boys get to play with GI Joes and Tonka trucks, young girls are conditioned at a very young age to be maternal. Unlike the boys, little girls are not given toys that represent careers and lifestyles that will likely never be. Girls get given dolls (knocked up is something that surely the majority of us can do with little training).

The receipt of these dolls is followed by the question, “where do babies come from?” To which parents lie! The stork, the cabbage patch, magic! HA!

It is this eternal lie that screws so many of us over. If only we were told the truth from the start then I bet we would put our dolly’s down and go play with big brother’s GI Joes.... Many parents could probably also use this as an early opportunity to instil fears about intercourse.... Think about it for just a minute. When you are kid you are told babies are created out of love between mommies and daddies and then the stork drops off a baby on your door step....

Now think about what the truth would be.... “(insert child’s name here) babies come from a hole in mommy’s body that is usually the size of a pin hole, but then after hours and hours of pain like you wouldn’t believe - way worse than when you fell on your face and had to get ten stitches... the hole expands bigger than a football and then you have to push really, really, really, hard, most likely making you poop in your bed and then the doctor helps pull the baby out. There is lots of blood and baby is covered in icky stuff and doesn’t look pretty at all and lots of mommy’s need to get stitches in their vaginas after.” ...

Can you tell that maybe I am starting to have anxieties about how this baby is going to make her entrance into the world?